Who are you living for?

Funny question to ask, I know, but it's one that's been exercising me of late.

The answer seems self-evident, surely?  "It's my life!" I hear you cry, "I live it for me!"  But do you...I mean, really, do you?

If you're a parent - a good parent - your children come first.  Every decision you make factors in the impact upon them.  You only package-holiday in places with a Kids' Club and all-inclusive chicken nuggets, even though you secretly want to dog-sled across the Yukon and rough it in a Trapper's hut.  You don't move house because they've just settled into a new school.  You buy a sensible SUV instead of that sporty roadster you covet.  You don't get divorced until they've left home, even if you can no longer stand the sight of one another.  It's not a bad thing - it's the supreme sacrifice of parenting - but it means your life's no longer your own.

Similar selflessness is required whoever you have to care for.  I don't have children, but I was a Carer for a very long time.  I had to place another's needs before my own, and change the pattern of my life to accommodate them - for over fifteen years.  I shelved a lot of hopes and dreams, and they got pushed to the back, covered in dust, and almost forgotten.  Released from that 24/7 responsibility, adjustment is a problem.  I have become conditioned to think and behave in a certain way.  It is only in the last few months it's begun to dawn on me that I'm free...for the first time in my adult life!  It's a shock, I can tell you.

Having total freedom blows your mind a bit.  It's liberating but, by golly, it's terrifying too.  "What, you mean I can do anything?  Anything at all?  Aaarrrgghhhhh!  Too much choice!  I'll just hide in the cupboard under the stairs until the discombobulation passes..."  Nearly two decades of psychological imprisonment has an effect you can't shake overnight.  This year is about getting to grips with my newly-gifted freedom, learning how to use it to benefit me for a change, and becoming braver, always braver...

Everything you desire is on the other side of fear.